Following their brief foray into the clandestine manufacture of methamphetamine, the United States National Institute of Standards and Technology is prepared to "ban" SMS based 2nd factor authentication schemes. What will replace it in their next guidance is yet to be determined, but almost certainly biometrics, more Google-esque one time password schemes, or both. With the IRS completely having to scrap their system which failed in authenticating tax filers, the United States is forced to Microsoft their own systems iterating their holes to be more selectively exploited.
Japan Mass Stabbing: 19 Killed 25 Injured
Twenty six year old Satoshi Uematsu (WOT:nonperson) allegedly stabbed 44 of his former coworkers and clients today killing 19 and injuring 25 at a residential facility for the disabled west of Tokyo. Police allege that Uematsu gained entry to the facility by breaking a window and that when he left he was able to make it to the police station to surrender peacefully. Notably Uematsu managed to kill 10 more people than the German aspie whose solo Munich shopping mall putsch has renewed security cooperation between France and Germany. Local media attribute to Uematsu an utterance that approximately translates to "All disabled should cease to exist." The strict knife control laws suffered by the Japanese people failed to prevent this incident. Peace in our time.
Hastert Fights Suit Over Unpaid Hush Money
After being inducted and convicted over his efforts to pay hush money, serial child molester and former Speaker of the United States House of Representatives Dennis Hastert (WOT:nonperson) is fighting a lawsuit over hush money he failed to pay. Hastert, a former locker room predator who imposed his sexual will on aspiring grapplers before enjoying a national political career, is being sued for breach of contract over 1.8 million United States dollars he failed to deliver.
The suit alleges Hastert managed to make 1.7 million United States dollars out of a promised 3.5 million before FBI agents spooked the old coach into ceasing his cash withdrawals. Hastert's attorneys allege the aspiring grappler who had received coach's locker room attention violated the contract first when he told the FBI about the former Speaker of the United States House of Representative's coaching methods. The former Speaker's attorney also argues that the suit was filed after the statute of limitations.
Florida Money Laundering Case Against Espinoza Dismissed
Michell Espinoza, arrested in an undercover sting for selling $1,500 worth of bitcoin had his case dismissed today. Surprisingly Espinoza's legal defense strategy was the same exact one Pascal Reid attempted to use to before being lowered into pederasty. Espinoza's case was dismissed on the ground that Bitcoin wasn't money under Florida law. Judge Teresa Mary Pooler wrote in her ruling:
The court is not an expert in economics, however, it is very clear, even to someone with limited knowledge in the area, the Bitcoin has a long way to go before it is the equivalent of money.
This may haven given Pascal Reid ample ground for an appeal to void his plea bargain, if he wasn't so eager to turn rat.
Corn Pain On Farm Plain Continues
While corn futures fell precipitously today with this years crop losing 10 billion United States dollars on paper, there were more reasons for pain in the plains. Wheat hit a nine year low reaching 4.36 United States dollars per bushel.1 Wheat plantings were estimated by the USDA to only measure 50.8 million acres, a 50 year low. Meanwhile the acreage of corn plantings surpassed early season estimates coming in around 94.1 million acres2 which projects to a potential 194 million more bushels3 of corn this year than markets were expecting.
The drought typical of the Middle West in La Nina years never materialized in spite of a dry spell from late May to early June teasing the possibility.
Soybean plantings appear to be lower than the USDA and the market expected, likely the result of reasons relating to competition obvious to farmers. The cherry on top of all this pain is that domestic use of all crops for livestock feed is continuing to fall and expected to continue to fall as imports continue their rise. Sorry for your loss.
For out less agriculturally inclined readers a bushel used to be a measure of volume equivalent to eight gallons. Now markets measure weight which varies by crop and moisture content. A market bushel of wheat is 60 pounds at a 13.5% moisture content. Or in the only metric that matters ~92,000 kilocalories. ↩
Up 550,000 over the March estimate. ↩
56 pound at a 15.5% moisture content for ~139,00 kilocalories per bushel. ↩
Ethereum-iverse Bleeding Money
Corn futures fell precipitously early Monday morning as harvest expectations continue to improve. Meanwhile ether huffers saw a brief spurt of activity and the "Ethereum Classic" fork's price started dipping sharply across exchanges. Late Sunday evening, a huffer announced on reddit that he was filing a complaint with the SEC, but showed no sign of having ever read Mircea Popescu's excellent guide on interacting with such institutions. Other developing lulz revolve around a list of VC's flushing their money down the toilet on blockchain "tech", and reports of Ethereum "Whales" supporting the Dao Liberator financially. Sorry fork, your loss.
On Eve Of National Convention Democratic Party Ousts Chair
On top of all the other lulz happening with the United States major socialist party on the eve of their national convention, the Democratic party has ousted chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz (WOT:nonperson) from both her office as chairwoman and from the convention. News of her ouster comes on the same day she announced her intention to resign the office of chairwoman after the convention. Debbie Wasserman Schultz is also the congressional representative from Florida's 23rd district and faces a primary challenge on August 30th.
While the adversarial takeover and slaughter of the traditional GOP has left Donald Trump-Clinton a commanding position in the presidential race, the long planned coronation of Hillary Rodham-Clinton appears to be bringing still greater destruction to her party. Both socialist parties are grievously wounded, but Hillary's campaign has largely depended on the strength of the Democratic party to carry her. By contrast Donald's campaign gutted the Republican party and with his nomination secured he gets to ride the party's remains with his existing campaign infrastructure to the November general election.
Peace in our time.
On Eve Of Convention Democrats Rewriting History Of Their Party
Breitbart brings us news that Minnesota congressman Keith Ellison (WOT:nonperson) tried to rewrite the history of his party, the one set to coronate Hillary Rodham-Clinton (WOT:nonperson) as their nominee (archived). Ellison tried to declare that former four term Alabama governor, proud segregationist, and even prouder Democrat the late George Wallace was actually a Republican. In 1972 Wallace was the favored candidate to win the Democratic nomination for the presidency until he was shot five times. His campaign ended soon after the shooting. Ongoing concerns about Wallace's health enabled Carter to defeat Wallace in the 1976 primary paving the way for Reagan convert a substantial portion of the Democratic party's base over to the minor socialist party during the 1980's. It turns out Ether huffers aren't the only people upset with the immutability of history.
I draw the line in the dust and toss the gauntlet before the feet of tyranny, and I say segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever.
– 1972's long time frontrunner for the nomination in Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama's party
France And Germany Bond Over Mass Killings
Following a solo shopping mall putsch in Munich, Germany and France have decided to strengthen ties and increase their security cooperation. While the alleged mall shooter in Germany fits the traditional American profile of the angry white aspie spree killer, France has become a raging front in the war between ISIS/ISIL/Daesh and the west.
The reignited bromantic passion between the French and Germans comes as Britain decided to leave the European Union. It is uncertain how much violence it would take to strengthen the bonds between European Union remainers in order to head off Departugal, Italeave, et al.
Major Huffing Exchange To Trade Tokens From Surviving, Time Traveling Theft Free, Side Of Split
Scamcoin exchange Poloniex announced on twitter that they have added market support for the "Ethereum Classic"1 (archived). Price in trading at the time of this article was 0.0012 BTC per Classic huff. Rumors were floating around the internet Sunday morning that a Chinese mining cartel intends to 51% the Ethereum Classic fork, to solidify the tradition of time travel theft among ether huffers. Sorry fork, your loss.
The side of the Chainsplit which remained after Buterin's fork to break the DOA contract and steal ether huffing tokens. ↩