Ethereum "Come At Me Bro" Patch Attacked As Invitation Is Taken

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Less than 24 hours after Ethereum developers boldly announced their come at me bro fix for the geth client, an attacker decided to come at them with yet another previously undiscovered attack vector. Pope Vitalik himself announced on reddit:

Basically, it's a quadratic attack where the culprit this time is a series of SUICIDE calls followed by a DELEGATECALL tower. SUICIDE creates dirty objects much more cheaply than any other opcode, and this creates a memory blowup. We have identified two possible fix strategies and are starting work on implementing them.

Ether huffers were quick to praise the efforts of their dear leader, while other users were quick to offer tips on setting up nodes on the parity platform. Parity is written in rust which has yet to be tested extensively, attackers having too many lulz watching the rats scramble scramble to plug holes on that sinking ship.

Colombian Electorate Votes To Continue War Against FARC

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The leftist rebel group FARC and the leftist Colombian government were dealt a serious blow after voters rejected a peace deal at the ballot box. For 52 years FARC has been terrorizing rural Colombia in the name of Marxist Leninism and for the last four of those years alleged Colombian president and noted leftist Juan Manuel Santos Calderon has been negotiating a peace deal centered around "truth and reconciliation" rather than "retributive" justice with the rebels. Apparently "truth and reconciliation is not popular with voters. Peace in our time, ballots in Colombia's.

Ethereum Developers Reach Violent Part Of Huffing Binge With "Come at me bro"

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Ethereum developers announced an update to their flaming-tire-in-a-shitpit geth implementation today, which supposedly fixes the recent spate of DoS attacks that have affected the network. The hotfixes, dubbed "Come at me bro" by its authors, are just one of many pieces of ductape continually applied to the popular golang client which is the go-to choice for attackers wishing to demonstrate the overall brokenness of the platform. The release nodes on Github assured users that "Further optimizations will most probably follow as we comb the code for bottlenecks" which has historically been translated as developers scrambling to fix issues that no one could have predicted being exploited. (archived)

Not Quite News Roundup Xtend 8

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Welcome to the eighth edition of the Qntra Not Quite News Roundup Xtend (TM)(R). The below events are alleged to have happened, but they are decidedly innocent of newsworthiness.

  • The only point of contention from the first United States presidential debate which persisted in mainstream discussion through the end of the week was an accusation that twenty years ago Donald Trump-Clinton fatshamed a beauty contest winner after she rapidly put on weight post contest. The weight gain was in violation of a contract which stipulated that while holding the contest's title the winner must continue to carry the shape of a beauty contest winner.
  • Hillary Rodham-Clinton was discovered to have alleged that many young American leftists were basement dwellers on tape. This follows her putting the few remaining working Americans into a basket labelled deplorables during the weekend her legs buckled at Ground Zero.
  • The developers behind the UnlimitedSpamCoin fork are allegedly distributing "research grants" in order to reward efforts to discover just how much spam they can harbor in the event they manage to fork their desired altcoin off of the Bitcoin blockchain.
  • Chronically troubled transaction intermediary Purse.io released a javascript library purporting to be for use with Bitcoin through deficiencies without possible remedy in javascript developers, runtimes, and the language itself render javascript especially unsuitable for applications touching Bitcoin.
  • An oddly specific prediction alleging a future Bitcoin price in the 800 United States dollar per coin range has been circulating with enthusiasm through certain outlets alleging they report Bitcoin news. As the prices reported on fiat/Bitcoin interfaces are notoriously weak in their relationship to reality it is likely this price will appear on such an interface at some point eventually. It is similarly likely that because numbers are so unfair one of these interfaces will at some point report "magenta" as a price.
  • Silbert and others are dumping capital into an Indian venture dubbed "Unocoin" as self declared "Venture Capitalists" turn their attentions to the birthplace of bureaucracy.
  • The criminal payment of a sex offender for babysitting services by the still more criminal gang in Springfield, Illinois came to public attention after the sex offender kidnapped his 13 year old stepdaughter and her infant son who he may have fathered (archived). He fled to rural West Virginia where he was likely lured by the popular myth that recursive familial relationships were more openly accepted there, but instead he was arrested.
  • Rumours are circulating that Deutsche Bank will soon be saying Auf Wiedersehen to solvency.

Sorry for your loss.

Bitcoin Foundation Celebrates Month Of Activity And RELEASE Milestone

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In their September state of Bitcoin address the Bitcoin Foundation was able to celebrate a substantial milestone in the clean up of the reference Bitcoin implementation. A flurry of testing and tweaking has lead to foundation co-chair mod6 (WOT:mod6) declaring the project has finally reached its long awaited milestone of version 0.5.4 RELEASE. Though most of the functional improvements to the reference implementation have long been enjoyed on actual running of Bitcoin nodes, the title of RELEASE was withheld until sanity could be brought to the makefiles and build process at large. Substantial contributions in time, sweat, and blood were made by ben_vulpes (WOT:ben_vulpes), shinohai (shinohai), and trinque (trinque).

Criminal Gang In DC Passes Another Resolution To Continue Spending

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An ensemble of criminals in Washington, DC popularly referred to as the "United States House of Representatives" yesterday passed yet another in a long series of "continuing resolutions" where they resolved to continue spending imaginary play money (archived). This now routine development buys these criminals more time to continue conducting their illegitimate business with the numerous accessories and accomplices to their criminal empire. Sorry for your loss.

Datskovskiy Publishes Tool For Making "Parachute" Lamport Keypairs

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Saint Stanislav Datskovskiy (WOT:asciilifeform) published today a tool for creating a one time use "parachute" Lamport keypair. This type of keypair is referred to as a "parachute" because it allows a person to recover their cryptographic identity after the catastrophic compromise of the extant cryptographic system in which their identity was born. For maximum readability and understandability the ever consumate craftsman implemented this tool in bash using common userland utilities.

US Sports Team Loses Bidding War To Russian Sports Team For Sportsman

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For the third consecutive year Avanguard Omsk has outbid the Saint Louis Blues for the affections of Czech ice hockey player Vladimir Sobotka. Over the past two years the Blues have tried to cast Sobotka's choice to participate in the Kontinental Hockey League club Avanguard as a "development" move allowing Sobotka more playing time to hone his skills "back home"1 when the simple fact is they've been beat at the money game.

For decades the extravagant spending of the advertising industry in the United States allowed American spectator sports teams to enjoy their pick of top players from the international market, but as the United States continues to become concretely poorer in absolute terms decisions like Vladimir Sobotka's are likely to become more common among sportsmen.

  1. Omsk is in Siberia which is not Sobotka's temperate Czech homeland. Siberia is inside Russia, and Russia is far enough from the Czech Republic that the two separate countries do not share any borders.  ↩