Category Archives: North America

WOTless Bitcoin n00b Scammed For Millions Of Fiat Tokens

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Sorry for your loss hit Dallas Cowboys running back Darren McFadden (WOT:nonperson) this week, as it was revealed that his longtime business manager Michael Vick1 (WOT:nonperson) was responsible for mishandling 15 million dollars entrusted to him, with 3 million being used to fund an unknown Bitcoin venture. A lawsuit filed against Mr. Vick and 10 John Does alleges that

Rather than securing for Plaintiff a lifetime of financial security as Defendant Vick promised Plaintiff, Defendant Vick covertly used Plaintiff's income as his personal slush fund to subsidize his own lifestyle and expenses and to invest in his own projects

McFadden have given Vick, a former family friend, power of attorney to assist him with financial choices in August of 2008. The schemes were uncovered when Vick attempted to sell a building to McFadden that had already been purchased with his own money.

  1. Not the NFL quarterback ↩

Oklahomos Test Literal Due Process Circumvention Device For Electronic Seizures

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The Oklahoma State Patrol1 (WOT:nonpeople) is now testing a new device that is sure to set the standard for "law enforcement" officers that wish to quickly steal citizens funds without the hassle of due process. The Electronic Recovery and Access to Data machine, or ERAD for short, allows officers to scan any credit or debit cards of individuals suspected of criminal activity and seize any funds contained on them. Before the cards presented a mystery to officers who had to wonder how much their victim could pull out the an ATM with their debit card. A copy of the work contract with the state shows that they are paying a price of $5000 for the scanners and associated software, an expense which is surely to be quickly recouped within days. Sorry For Your Loss.

  1. Affectionately known as The Oklahomos  ↩

Rural Police Recapture Funds Liberated In Social Engineering Coup

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Officials in Platte County, MO announced they have recovered $28,205 of $48,200 they lost due to a county treasurer falling victim to a social engineering attack delivered via spoofed emails. Rob Willard, the treasurer, said he made a wire transfer in the amount of $48,000 after receiving an email from someone pretending to be Presiding Commissioner Ron Schieber, in order to pay for a tax consultant. Upon realizing he had been duped, Mr. Willard alerted the Feebs and the fraud department of Wells-Fargo who are still investigating and have not yet found the source of the fraudulent emails. The individuals responsible are believed to have liberated several other counties in Missouri and Kansas of funds as well.

High Profile Likely Hilary Voter Arrested For DUI In California

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Roger Clinton (WOT:nonperson); the brother of America's first black president Bill Clinton (WOT:nonperson), Brother in Law of Hilary Rodham-Clinton (WOT:nonperson), and related through shared New York values to Donald Trump-Clinton (WOT:nonperson) was arrested for driving under the influence. Roger refused blood alcohol testing leaving what he was under the influence of a mystery.  In the past Roger was arrested for crimes involving cocaine. Bill pardoned Roger under the Clinton "family and friends" package. Perhaps Ross Ulbricht (WOT:nonperson) ought to do some searching on his family tree. Sorry for your loss.

Death Rate Rises In United States, Officials Puzzled

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News outlets are reporting the death rate in the United States is rising and that officials representing the criminal gang in Washinton, DC are publicly stating that they are puzzled by this development. You on the other hand don't have to be puzzled. The transmayo gender identity leads only to early death and diabetic limb amputations. Peace in our time.

Former Governors Johnson And Weld Compose US Libertarian Party Ticket

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At the United States Libertarian party convention in Orlando, Florida former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson (WOT:unknown/undisclosed) and former Massachusetts governor William Weld (WOT:unknown/undisclosed) secured the party's presidential and vice presidential nominations. Johnson and Weld both served as two term governors in their respective states easily winning during their re-election campaigns. This gives them both greater executive experience in government than Major Socialist party likely nominee Hilary Rodham-Clinton (WOT:nonperson) or Minor Socialist party presumptive nominee Donald Trump-Clinton (WOT:nonperson) possesses. In national polls against Hilary Rodham-Clinton and Donald Trump-Clinton Johnson manages to consistently draw ten percent of likely voters to his ticket.

As promising as this development is it only reduces the near certainty that the next United States president will be a Clinton by the smallest of margins. Notable candidates present at the Libertarian Party convention who Johnson defeated include Vermin Supreme (WOT:unknown/undisclosed), John McAfee (WOT:nonperson), Austin Petersen (WOT:unknown/undisclosed), and Darryl Perry (WOT:unknown/undisclosed).

Forced Outrage Over Ohio Gorilla Shooting

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USistani news outlets have been constipated this weekend trying to pass a steaming pile of forced outrage upon the American populace. At the center of this effort is the shooting of a 400 pound male gorilla that was roughly dragging a toddler through the moat of its enclosure. In order to protect the life of the toddler and to protect themselves from torts of all kinds, zoo keepers in this incident immediately used lethal force against the silverback Harambe (WOT:nonperson). Now all manner of media in the United States is reporting the story alongside substantial supposing that the situation might have been handled in some way that lead to an outcome other than Harambe's death.

Harambe's legacy of failing to drown a human child is vastly eclipsed by the accomplishments of cetacean freedom fighter Tilikum who managed to bludgeon to death and drown 3 grown adults homo sapiens trained to oppress him during his ongoing captivity at various "amusement" parks. Tilikum rather than being shot for committing homicide instead was rewarded with the opportunity to sire 21 children through his captivity with the enthusiastic assistance of his captors. Apparently in the warped value system unloaded onto the American people whale lives matter more than those of apes and mens. Sorry for your loss. Peace in Our Time.

Cooling Pacific Has Potential To Further Injure Corn Belt's Fortunes This Season

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As El Nino breaks in the Pacific it is set to be followed by a cooling of waters in the Pacific in a meteorological phenomenon known as La Nina. For the American Corn Belt this shift bring the potential for still further pain in a season which already has farmers scrambling in loss control mode. Depending on the degree of cooling in the Pacific the La Nina phenomenon may have a range of effects on the temperature and wind speed1  in the Middle West, but summertime La Nina events reduce reduce rainfall in a region where irrigated fields are the exception rather than the rule. A drought event in 2012 absolutely decimated crop yields due to the region's dependence on rainfall to water crops.

While a season of failed crops could otherwise get farmers to finally deliver their glut of stored grains waiting for more favorable prices to market, the more likely scenario is a continued increase in imports of staple and fodder crops. Thanks to "progress" the problem of endemic2 obesity is likely to continue to grow.

  1. Yes, La Nina has ways of making Iowa in particular suffer exceptionally.  ↩

  2. The reality that this problem is here to stay precludes referring to it as an epidemic. Epidemics pass.  ↩