Category Archives: News

US Business Emigration Today! A Special Edition Bayer Roundup Xtend

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A number of transactions and announcement occurred today documenting the flight of business activity from the United States.

  • Monsanto finally surrendered their business to a bid from Bayer AG for 128 dollars per share in a cash transaction, pending regulatory approval. The purchase would merge the dominant agricultural seed producers firmly placing the future of United States agriculture in German hands. A present the two firms are independently the leading manufacturers of herbicide resistant crops. The number of persons too poor for trees1 is expected to climb.
  • Ford Motor Company announced they are moving manufacturing operations for all of their small cars to Mexico.
  • Surrogates for the major party candidates for the United States presidency continue clogging the mainstream press with arguments over which geriatric candidate is less decrepit in their old age as well as which candidate's non-profit "charitable" organization is less corrupt. Hilary Rodham Clinton remains on her third day of rest following this past weekend's health scare.

  1. Also known as living in a state of povertree.  ↩

Social Engineering Bests Self Describe Securitist

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An Austrian "cybersecurity researcher" was educated in the finer points of social engineering, after falling victim to a teenage redditard's Bitcoin scam. Christian Haschek agreed to give the kid $500 in Apple iTunes gift cards in exchange for nonexistent Bitcoin. Despite being a blogger on the subject of insecurity, Mr. Haschek never asked his attacker for a signed message to prove the existence of funds or his identity in the WOT. (archived) After having his identity traced through facebook, the stolen money was returned.

These lulz follow other not-quite-newsworthy trends this week, such as the arrest of 2 youths accused of social engineering their way into accounts of high-ranking U.S. intelligence officials. (archived)

Hillary Clinton's Twin Legs Buckle Where Twin Towers Fell

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Candidate for the United States Presidency Hillary Rodham Clinton suffered a medical episode during a ceremony at the 9/11 Memorial in New York. Her legs buckled and she appeared to faint (archived). This incident is notable for receiving coverage in the mainstream US press which has thus far dismissed concerns about Hillary's health as crackpottery. She is sixty-eight years old and she will turn sixty-nine before the election. Her major election opponent Donald Trump-Clinton at seventy years of age is also geriatric. Of the candidates on the ballot in all 50 states, Gary Johnson is the only candidate who would finish a first term as president before his seventieth birthday. Peace in our time, Rest in theirs.

Update: Hillary was evacuated from the 9/11 memorial in Manhattan to her daughter Chelsea's apartment. Representatives of her campaign insist she merely "overheated" though in the United States heat related injuries are taken very seriously by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration and classified as reportable incidents subject to investigations, fines, and penalties. Clinton privilege strikes again.

Update 2: Now Hillary's doctor is alleging that she has been suffering pneumonia since Friday. Pneumonia is a leading cause of death in geriatrics.

BitcoinTalk Database In The Wild For Some Time Now, New Forum Software Years Late

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A database containing over a half-million usernames and passwords of Bitcointalk users is being sold by a vendor. The breach actually occurred in May of 2015 through a social engineering attack, and the vendor shared a portion of the database with HackRead.com. The database contains a total of 514,408 accounts and the vendor indicated that decrypting the database's sha-256 password encryption was relatively easy using standard brute-force methods. Bitcointalk administrator Thermos (WOT:theymos) has promised an upgraded forum software, dubbed EpochTalk, since 2014 but as yet has not delivered on his promise despite spending in excess of $500,000 USD in donations from the community. (archived)

Not Quite News Roundup Xtend 5 (TM)(R)

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Welcome to the fifth edition of the Qntra Not Quite News Roundup Xtend (TM)(R). The below events are alleged to have happened, but they are innocent of newsworthiness.

  • Under pressure, the number of United States dollars that fiat/Bitcoin interfaces report it takes to purchase a Bitcoin have climbed modestly from the range the stabilized t in the aftermath of the BitfinExodus.
  • The above price movement lead to diminished discussion of altcoins with none in particular meriting any special mention.
  • Oil futures moved up on news that stocks of West Texas Intermediate were less than expected.
  • Giraffes suffered "species inflation" when the "Giraffe Conservation Foundation" began to allege that there are four distinct species of Giraffe. All four of the alleged species are capable of interbreeding.
  • CoinTelegraph author Rebecca Campbell asked "If Bitcoin Had Sex, Could It Be Female?"
  • Univision deleted six posts on their newly acquired Gawker media properties which are subject to pending litigation.
  • General Motors issued a recall of 4.3 million vehicles from the 2014-2017 model years due to a software bug that prevents airbag deployment during collisions.
  • Bitfinex has established it's BFX convertible debt token to be equivalent to one United States dollar of equity in the firm while valuing itself at 120 million United States dollars. This means that if all BFX notes were redeemed for equity existing management would still retain ~60 percent of the firm. At the time of this writing traders on Bitfinex value the BFX token at 0.5462 United States dollars, a figure that raises serious questions about Bitfinex's self valuation while still seeming absurdly high.
  • This week at a dinner party for the United States National Policy Institute.
  • Lords of the Most Serene Republic began a focused discussion on the future of communication.
  • The unsuitability of Cisco networking equipment for computer networks is creating a whole new class of torts (archived).

Sorry for your loss.

Parasitic Flatworm Named To Honor Hussein Bahamas

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In a twist of irony surely not lost to Qntra readers, US president Hussein Bahamas now has the honor of a newly discovered parasitic flatworm named after him. The two-inch long parasite, dubbed "Baracktrema obamai" lives in turtles blood and was discovered by Thomas Platt, a retired biology professor at Saint Mary’s College in Indiana. Professor Platt assured the public that bestowing the name was not meant as an insult, but rather meant to honor the current president. However, Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a parasite as " something that resembles a biological parasite in dependence on something else for existence or support without making a useful or adequate return" which accurately describes the legacy left by Bahamas during his eight-year tenure.

Politician Who Audited Elections Board Security Sentenced

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Insurgent Florida Politician David Levin, the man who responsibly performed an audit of the Lee County Supervisor of Elections website and disclosed the results, has been sentenced to 20 days of prison for preforming that public service. As is traditional in the United States of Amerikkka after his release his freedoms will remain restricted as he is held a further two years in a state of probation. Peace in our time.

Kim Jung Un Bans Sarcasm

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North Korean leader Kim Jung Un has banned sarcasm in the Democratic People's Republic of Best Korea out of fear that his people are only expressing their support for him ironically (archived). In related news last Friday the FBI dumped substantial information about Hillary Clinton's slovenly email habits. The highlight of the dump was the disclosure that Hillary told the FBI that she though that the letter "C" preceding select paragraphs indicated alphabetical order rather than the information's "CONFIDENTIAL" classification.

Meanwhile Donald Trump-Clinton continued advancing his position that Russian President Vladimir Putin is a better leader and a better man than United States lame duck Oval Office occupier Hussein Bahamas.

Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson, who is set to spoil the election for Hillary1, in rare mainstream media coverage is being assailed for allegedly not knowing what Aleppo is during an interview. Aleppo is one of many cities in Syria being decimated in their civil war, and neither Aleppo nor its residents matter.

Meta spoiler Green Party criminal Jill Stein who intents to spoil Gary Johnson's campaign to spoil Hillary's campaign2 now has open warrants for her arrest in North Carolina. Stein faces charges of criminal trespass and criminal mischief after undertaking a campaign to damage valuable excavating equipment as part of her meta-spoiler campaign.

Peace in our time. Sorry for your lulz.

  1. In the sense that the voter motivations in this election are split between those who support Donald Trump-Clinton, those who oppose Donald Trump-Clinton, and those who oppose opposing Donald Trump-Clinton the wrong way by voting Hillary and therefore supporting Gary Johnson.  ↩

  2. Largely through aggravating the dilemma of choice, a prime method of manipulating cattle and those afflicted with SUTO. ↩

Well Fargo Fined Over Non-Consensual Account Openings

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Infamous fiat institution Wells Fargo bank has been fined over $100 million USD by The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau for "the widespread illegal practice of secretly opening unauthorized deposit and credit card accounts." The bank stands accused of allowing thousands of employees to open more than 2 million unauthorized deposit and credit accounts in secret, in order to hit sales targets, according to investigators. Fines and penalties imposed in the case total $185 million USD, with an additional $5 million being required to be paid as restitution to affected customers. Wells Fargo officials said managers and employees involved in the scheme had been fired, and that $2.6 million dollars in customer fees collected as a result of the deceptive activities has been refunded. Wells Fargo & Co is the fourth largest U.S. bank by assets, and the U.S. Treasury still holds warrants to buy about 110 million shares related to the 2008 financial crisis and bailout.